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Dan Backslide vs. Snidely Whiplash
Dan Backslide vs. Snidely Whiplash is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Dan Backslide from the 1942 Merrie Melodies cartoon, The Dover Boys, and Snidely Whiplash from the animated television series, The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Description There’s hell to pay when two villains collide, even two villains as hopelessly useless as these two! Interlude Boomstick: Some villains are supervillains; they devise plans to destroy or enslave the entire world, or they use their superpowers to destroy whole cities at a go. Well, these two losers are about as far from supervillains as you can get. Wiz, what would you call villains as useless as these two? Wiz: Irritants, I suppose. Boomstick: Well, these two losers are going to go toe to toe, and see who will come out on tip. Wiz: First of all there’s Dan Backslide, “the former sneak of Roquefort Hall.” Boomstick: And then there’s Snidely Whiplash, probably the limpest villain to come out of Canada since...I’ve got nothin’. But, he’s pretty bad. Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick. Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle. Dan Backslide Wiz: Among the alumni of that famed institution of higher education, Pimento University, is one Dan Backslide. Boomstick: But Dan is not a shining example of what dear old P.U. can turn out. Dan has wasted his life on smoking, drinking and playing pool…Wait! Who writes this crap? “smoking, drinking and playing pool?” That sounds just like my college days, if you add chasing skirt. Wiz: And, Dan Backslide is not above that, either. Boomstick: Well this guy sounds just plain awesome. If he came to one of my family get-togethers, he would fit right in. He’d be as happy as a pig with a bucket of swill! Wiz: Ew...But, Dan has created some enemies, and among those trying to shut him down... Boomstick: Party poopers! Wiz: ...are the Dover Boys. Boomstick: These no-good do-gooders like to get in Dan’s face, and spoil his fun. For example, when Dan tried to kidnap the upright and uptight Dora Standpipe, the Dover Boys gave him a rather undeserved beating. I mean, he didn’t even get to first base with her, what was their beef? Wiz: But, when he set out, Dan was not without his abilities. Dan’s greatest asset is that he is a Toon Force user. The Toon Force is a mystical reality-warping force that allows its users to avoid harm in lethal situations, and produce items from seemingly thin air – if it’s done for comedic purposes. Boomstick: So, while Dan may not be the greatest warrior, he can pull things out of his a... Wiz: Air! He can pull things out of the air. Snidely Whiplash Boomstick: Take off to the Great White North, eh? Well, Snidely Whiplash didn’t need to, you see he’s as Canadian as back bacon and poutine. Wiz: In the Canadian Northwest, Snidely Whiplash plies his trade: stealing from widows and orphans, smuggling, swindling, and tying women to railroad tracks. Boomstick: But there to defeat him...well at least some of the time is that do-gooder of do-gooders, Royal Canadian Mounted Police Officer Dudley Do-Right. Wiz: Snidely is a rather old school villain, complete with top hat and cape, he twirls his mustache as he makes his fiendish plans. Boomstick: He travels across the Great White North, fighting the good guys and trying his best to line his pockets with all of the Canucky bucks that he can lay his hands on. Wiz: Now, Snidely is somewhat limited, in that he does not have any powers, not even that of the Toon Force. But, what he does have is his high-powered brain. Boomstick: When he makes his plans, he pulls out all the stops, even creating a robot Dudley Do-Right and a Frankenstein-type monster, named Finster. Wiz: So, don’t sell Snidely Whiplash short, he a smart opponent, if not a terribly capable one. Intermission Boomstick: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all. Its time for a DEATH BATTLE! DEATH BATTLE! Pre-Fight The scene is a dimply lit tavern in the Canadian Northwest. At the bar, a tired-looking bartender peers thoughtfully at a clear shot glass, spits on it, and then wipes it clean with a grimy rag. The camera pans across the floor, past a karaoke machine where William Shatner and Justin Bieber are murderously duetting Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Past a table containing a Sasquatch and yeti comparing family pictures. Past a table containing Wolverine and Sabretooth, who are arm-wrestling. Finally, the camera comes to rest on a table containing two men locked in a combat via a game of Euchre. Dan Backslide looks over his cards at his opponent, Snidely Whiplash. Snidely gnaws on his lower lips as he contemplates his cards. Dan narrows his eyes and purrs, “Tell me more about this hot tomato you are pursuing.” Snidely looks up from his cards, and instinctively begins to twirl his mustache. “Ah yes, Nell Fenwick. The most beautiful woman this side of the Yukon river.” “And is she rich?” Dan asks. “No, but her father is the Canadian Chief Mountie, and there is nothing he wouldn’t do for her. A man married to Nell would have the run of the Northwest.” “And she's not married?” Snidely Whiplash squirms uncomfortably in his chair. “Well...no, but I have several schemes that I am contemplating, any one of which will make her my blushing bride.” Dan Backslide picks up his shot glass, and downs its contents in one gulp. He hiccups. A barmaid slides by, as if on roller-skates, refilling Dan’s glass with one quick pour. Dan smirks and says, “Why I could have her in a moment’s time. Woman can’t resist my Pimento U. charm and good looks.” Snidely stops twirling his mustache and glares at Dan. “Sir, you insult the finest flower that has ever grown in Canada, my future wife.” Dan scoffs, “Ha, you mean *my* future wife.” Snidely reaches into his jacket pocket, and extracts a pair of white gloves. Reaching across the table, he slaps them across Dan Backslide’s face. His head vibrates back and forth from the impact, until he reaches up his hands to stop it. His eyes go on vibrating for several more seconds. “Sir, I demand satisfaction,” Snidely announces. “We will settle this like gentleman – pistols at five paces.” FIGHT! Out on the street of the little town, Dan Backslide and Snidely Whiplash stand back-to-back, each one holding an ornate dueling pistol in his right hand. The snow is falling thickly. Dan looks up at the sky and asks, "When does summer get here?" Puzzlement crosses Snidely’s face as he asks over his shoulder, “What are you talking about, it’s July isn’t it?” “All right, here’s the rules,” Snidely announces. “We take five paces, and turn and fire. Are you ready?” No answer comes. “I said, are you ready?” Snidely demands. Suddenly, there’s a bang, as the door of the local stable slams open. Snidely turns, and see’s a runabout shoot out of the stable and down the street. Dan, driving the runabout, shouts over his shoulder, “the Mountie post is this way, right?” “Right,” Snidely shouts back. Then surprise lights up his face. “Hey!” he shouts. Snidely looks disgustedly after the rapidly disappearing automobile. “You just can’t trust anybody these days,” he says, looking down sadly at the unloaded gun he had given Dan. * * * Suddenly, Snidely turns and run in between two of the town’s wooden buildings, and onto a trail that lead between the trees of the forest and down the steep hill. Arriving on the road a bare twenty yards from the town, Snidely declares, “it’s a good thing they have so many switchbacks around here.” He reaches into his jacket pocket, and retrieves a small box marked, “Acme carpet tacks.” He opens the box, and sprinkles them liberally on the road. He ducks behind a tree, and draws his dueling pistol, just as the runabout coughs, hiccups and belches around the corner. The runabout charges over the tacks and four loud pops are heard as all four of the auto’s tires burst. Dan Backslide steps out onto the road and looks disgustedly at the vehicle. Snidely sneaks up behind him, and points the pistol at the back of Dan’s head. He pulls the trigger, and there is a click, but nothing more. With a look of surprise on his face, Snidely looks at the gun in his hand. Just which gun had he failed to load? He wonders. Dan reaches into his coat, and pulls out an impossibly large book, which bears the title, “Handbook of Useful Information.” He opens it up to a page entitled, “How Best To Deal with Four Flat Tires,” while Snidely begins to speedily, but shakily load the pistol. Dan opens the trunk of the runabout, and finds a metal bar right at the trunk lid. He strains and heaves, and pulls out a spare runabout, identical to the first. He turns with his load, and drops it right onto Snidely Whiplash, not even noticing the other man’s presence. Dan leaps into the spare runabout a speeds away, leaving a rather crumpled-looking Snidely laying in the middle of the road. Snidely groans, and moans out, “curses, foiled again.” * * * Suddenly, Snidely leaps to his feet, and charges across the road and down another path that leads him on to the road again. Not at all surprised at finding a tree with an ax embedded in it (this is Canada, after all), he begins chopping at the tree, dropping it across the road. Snidely quickly jumps behind the tree, and waits for the runabout. Dan Backslide brings the vehicle up to a smooth stop before the tree, and gets out. He peers at the tree for a moment, and then draws his book out again, and turns to, “Removing Trees from the Road.” Suddenly, Snidely Whiplash leaps up from behind the tree, sticks two fingers into his mouth, and lets out a very loud whistle. Immediately, a pack of brown wolves saunter out of the forest. Snidely points at Dan, and shouts, “get him, boys!” As the wolves close in on Dan, he rapidly thumbs through his book until he gets to a page marked, “Wolves, getting rid of.” He looks up at the wolves, and announces, “wolves, wolves, go away.” The wolves look startled, and then immediately run back into the woods, yelping. Snidely twirls his mustache, and announces, “curses, foiled again, again.” Then he turns and runs down the path. Dan turns the pages back, reads the diagram, and then opens the runabout’s trunk and removes a jack. He walks up to the fallen tree, sticks the jack under the middle of the tree, and begins pumping the jack. The jack rises, and lifts the middle of the tree, inexplicably bending into an inverted “U.” He gets back into the runabout, and drives on. * * * The runabout rounds another corner, and comes up on a railroad crossing. There sits Snidely Whiplash trying to tie himself to the tracks. He looks up at Dan Backslide, and sobs, “That’s it, I give up, I can’t beat you.” He fumbles more with the ropes, and sobs, “I might as well end it all. I’m a failure.” He fumbles more with the ropes, and then looks at Dan. “I’m even a failure at tying this rope. Would you do me a favor, and put your finger right here?” he asks, nodding towards a half-made knot in the rope. Dan walks up and sticks his finger in the rope. Snidely hands move in a blur as he ties the rope – first around Dan’s finger, and then his hand, and then his arm. Dan is pulled onto the tracks, where Snidely finishes his tying. Now completely freed of the ropes, Snidely steps over to the runabout, and leaps in. Steering past Dan Backslide, he takes off down the road towards the Mountie Post. “I’m coming, Nell!” he calls out. Dan looks up at the approaching train, and calls out, “Help, Tom! Help, Dick! Help, Larry! HELP!!” But, it’s too late...the train rockets past. K.O.! Dudley Do-Right rides up on his horse, and looks down at what was once Dan Backslide. He grits his teeth, and says, “Yeesh!” Results Boomstick: OK, if you are waiting for me that say that that was awesome, you can go on waiting. That was stupid! Wiz: Well, any battle between Dan Backslide and Snidely Whiplash was bound to be a battle of wits, rather than a battle of weapons and martial arts. Boomstick: But the problem was that when it came to wits, Snidely had almost all of the weapons. Wiz: Dan had access to the Toon Force, but only limited access. When fighting the Dover Boys he was not able to pull out a weapon, or even bounce back from taking beating. Instead, his main power seemed to be to access his humongous book, “Handbook of Useful Information.” Which, while good, only provided so much help. Boomstick: Snidely, on the other hand is good at outsmarting his opponents face-to-face, and his rope tying abilities seem to be almost magical. He can rope someone down before they even know what hit them! Wiz: Right, though neither of these villains were much in the way of abilities, Dan Backslide... Boomstick: Needs to work on his training? Wiz: Ugh...the winner is Snidely Whiplash. Next Time Next time on Death Battle! we see what happens when we bring together two of the most formidable fighters from Rooster Teeth’s RWBY. Two female fighters who kick ass and cast illusions. That’s right, it’s [Sustrai vs. Neopolitan, and may the best girl win! Trivia Cameo Appearances * Justin Bieber * Sabretooth * Sasquatch (Mythology) * William Shatner * Wolverine Poll How many stars would you rate Dan Backslide vs. Snidely Whiplash? 5 stars 4 stars 3 stars 2 stars 1 star Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:I'm Lynda Category:'Villain vs. Villain' Themed Death Battles Category:'TV Shows' themed Death Battles Category:"Male vs Male" Themed Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2017 Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Series Category:Death Battles with cameo appearances Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Companies